We act as if we’re still together. With all the happiness and laughter.

But without visible affections, as we are still both supressing our feelings—for the meantime (or maybe I’m the only one supressing them…).

Please, just don’t lead me on.
Don’t break me into tinier pieces.

// Avy jorrāelan. Avy raqan.//

It’s so pathetic of me that heartbreak and pain fuels my inner writer and my blog posts. But I just want you to see this.

It’s been a day since you left. I don’t know if it’s really for good (and dear Lord, I’m praying it’s not), or you’re just blowing off some steam from what happened. All I want to say it that I miss you, I love you and I would want to have everything back.

I’ve been sleepless because I’m devastated, I could not begin to describe in words how I am right now but I am definitely losing all sanity.

I know you told me to not get my hopes up, and I keep telling myself as well—but I can’t. I’m still in the world you left me, my hopes are up so high because I know there’s still love in you like I do and I am always overflowing with love for you. Even if you try to shut me off, I’d always still be here for you. Always, like you were always there for me.

But right now I know you wouldn’t listen to me. It’s only fair because I’ve barely listened to you, but this time, please. Please believe me when I tell you that I want to fix this because I don’t want to fix anything but this. I’m willing to wait for you, no matter how lone because I still want to invest all of me for you. I still want all of you to be mine. I lost the single most important person in my life. I lost you. It was a mistake to doubt you from the start because in the back of my head, I know you wouldn’t do anything to hurt me because you’ve always avoided hurting me since day one.

I am all to blame for what happened. I pushed you too far and now I want you back. Everything back. Fuck my convincing skills for making you break right? But right now, let me convince you that we need each other, that we’re both strong but stronger when we’re together. Let me convince you that we’re Yin and Yang, we balance each other out with our flaws and perfections. That our love for each other is the strongest there is out there. I deserve all your love and you deserve mine and for a long long time, there’s going to be only you and me. I’m going to keep my promises, I’m going to be mature about your and my decisions. I’m going to stop being so insecure, because for the longest time in my life, you were the one who was always bringing me up. You were the first boy who actually made me feel so special, the first boy who didn’t hide me from the rest of the world and I was as proud to have you. And maybe even more. We already fight like a married couple, it’s awfully cute but it’s not worth fighting you if I have to lose you. All I thought was I was fighting for you, but in reality I was fighting for myself and leaving you out of the equation. And right now, I want to set things right. All I’m asking for you right now is just one more chance.

I gave you the chance to love me, to hold my hands and to kiss my lips. And now I’m asking the same from you, I’m asking you to give me a chance to do all these things again with you because honestly, I don’t want to repeat everything with someone else. I want to continue all my experiences with you.

Give me a chance to make more anniversaries with you. Give me a chance to live a life with you. Give me a chance to grow old with you, give me a chance to keep being happy with you.

Brandon, baby.
Give me a chance.

Well, goodbye to the dreams of actually getting to meet Asking Alexandria on the 26th of April.

Because fuck this family. Pieces of shit.

This week and last week have probably been the busiest weeks of my life (that are in no way related to school). I’ve been going places, getting and buying shit my mom wants me to bring (I’m leaving for Japan on the 4th)—and I’ve been packing and unpacking stuff because I don’t know how the hell I’m going to put them inside the suitcases anymore.

I don’t even know how all my stuff is going to fit in.
And I’ve had the best-tasting chicken ever yesterday.

Hey guys, look at this kitty. :)
His name is Donut. I bought him for Brandon last March 19, 2014. It was a reallyyy really late birthday gift. :))
Quite a pricey kitten, but worth every cent that I paid for. Just look, he’s so fucking adorable.

Hey guys, look at this kitty. :)

His name is Donut. I bought him for Brandon last March 19, 2014. It was a reallyyy really late birthday gift. :))

Quite a pricey kitten, but worth every cent that I paid for. Just look, he’s so fucking adorable.

I remember blogging so much about you; like my life solely revolved around you. Well, perhaps my life does.
I used to keep you like a secret (in which I realize right now that it was stupid to do) not because I was embarrassed about you or whatever you want to think—I kept you like that because I wanted to keep things private between us. What our progress is, what’s happening between us. I didn’t want the world to know about us yet because I wanted to enjoy only for myself the beauty of a new relationship right before my eyes. I wanted to absorb everything firsthand what it feels like to finally feel alive again after so many months of nothing but utter bullshit. In some way, you saved me from myself. You saved me from my own thoughts.
And right now, I want to do nothing but tell every person that I love you and I’m lucky to have you. Our relationship is not the best—we don’t really sail the calmest seas, but I’d rather experience all the bad days with you instead of having fun without you. I would not trade you for anyone else.
Thank you for being the best guy I’ve met my whole life. You might be an ass sometimes but hey, that’s you—and I love you. :)
Happy 14th, baby. I love you. <3

I remember blogging so much about you; like my life solely revolved around you. Well, perhaps my life does.

I used to keep you like a secret (in which I realize right now that it was stupid to do) not because I was embarrassed about you or whatever you want to think—I kept you like that because I wanted to keep things private between us. What our progress is, what’s happening between us. I didn’t want the world to know about us yet because I wanted to enjoy only for myself the beauty of a new relationship right before my eyes. I wanted to absorb everything firsthand what it feels like to finally feel alive again after so many months of nothing but utter bullshit. In some way, you saved me from myself. You saved me from my own thoughts.

And right now, I want to do nothing but tell every person that I love you and I’m lucky to have you. Our relationship is not the best—we don’t really sail the calmest seas, but I’d rather experience all the bad days with you instead of having fun without you. I would not trade you for anyone else.

Thank you for being the best guy I’ve met my whole life. You might be an ass sometimes but hey, that’s you—and I love you. :)

Happy 14th, baby. I love you. <3

18 years old, full of drama.